This informal CPD article, ‘Why You're a Genius Life Coach to Everyone Except Yourself (And How to Fix That)’, was provided by Shady Elkassas, Training Manager at Sama Knowledge Training Institute, who distribute learning solutions to schools and educational institutions across the Middle East Region.
Have you ever given a friend a powerful pep talk, offering clarity, hope, and direction, only to later sit alone, unable to motivate yourself? You are not alone. In fact, research in psychology consistently shows that we are often more effective at advising others than at applying the same insights to our own situations (1) (2) (3).
So why is it so much easier to be someone else’s coach than your own?
The Observer vs. Actor Perspective
Our psychological detachment from other people's issues is a significant contributing factor. We adopt the observer viewpoint when assisting someone else, which enables us to see the circumstance objectively. On the other hand, we get caught in feelings, tension, and self-doubt when we are addressing our own problems.
Leading psychologists call this "self-distancing" - the ability to mentally step back and examine your situation as if you were someone else. In a study, those who used this strategy (e.g., using their own name instead of "I" in self-talk) were better at regulating their emotions and solving problems successfully (2). It can be a powerful approach where you can ask yourself: What would I tell a friend in this situation? That subtle shift can immediately provide you with clarity.
Inside View vs. Outside View
Another explanation by academics was the inside vs. outside view. When we think about our own problems, we look at all the details, risks, and past failures – the “inside view.” However, when we consider other people’s problems, we adopt the “outside view,” focusing on broader patterns and probabilities (1).
This explains why a friend might tell you, “Just apply! You’re more than qualified!" While you're stuck in the 'inside view,' you're concerned about every possible flaw in your resume.
We’re Kinder to Others Than Ourselves
There can also be a kindness gap. An expert in self-compassion study found that people are much kinder and more encouraging to other people than they are to themselves. People can be overly critical of themselves, which can affect their confidence before undertaking an activity. (3)
Self-compassion does not imply lowering standards; rather, it entails extending the same empathy inward that we readily give to friends. When you notice yourself engaging in negative self-talk, pause and consider, "Would I say this to someone I care about?"
Actionable Tools to Flip the Script
When you often find it easier to lift others than yourself, try these actionable tips:
- Talk to yourself in the third person: “Hey, you’ve overcome harder things before.”
- Write yourself a letter of advice, as if you were helping a friend.
- Use the outside view: Look at statistics or past patterns instead of assumptions.
- Practice daily self-compassion: Catch your inner critic and replace it with kinder language.
These aren’t simply positive motivation measures; they are useful strategies based on the referenced research to help you self-motivate, strategize, and cheerlead.
Final Thought
For many, supporting others is an innate behaviour. But the next step for growth is learning to extend this support to oneself. Sometimes, the best advice you can get is your own, but you need to hear it the right way.
We hope this article was helpful. For more information from Sama Knowledge Training Institute, please visit their CPD Member Directory page. Alternatively, you can go to the CPD Industry Hubs for more articles, courses and events relevant to your Continuing Professional Development requirements.
References
(1)Kahneman, D., & Tversky, A. (1977). Intuitive prediction: Biases and corrective procedures.
(2) Kross, E., & Ayduk, O. (2011). Making meaning out of negative experiences by self-distancing. Current directions in psychological science, 20(3), 187-191.
(3) Neff, K. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and identity, 2(2), 85-101.
